r/OrthodoxChristianity
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Considering Orthodoxy but family is Muslim and I'm dependent on them
This is my first time posting like this, so I apologize for any mistakes or if this is too long.
I think I want to convert to Orthodox Christianity, but my entire family is Muslim. I live in a Western country, which helps since I want to leave Islam, but the area has many people from my ethnic group who are almost entirely Muslim and generally religious. In my home country apostasy is punishable by death or imprisonment.
Islam is treated almost as an ethnic identity; I have heard people say you cannot be part of my ethnic group and not be Muslim, so leaving is not forgiven.
My parents are very religious and always remind me to pray. Recently I started hearing things about Islam from other Muslims that did not sit right with me, morally and theologically. I looked further and I am disgusted and deeply doubtful, especially about the moral issues. I do not understand how a prophet meant to be an example for all society did some of the things he did.
It is hard because I spent my whole life hearing only the good and loving him for it, only to learn these things later and hear other Muslims say my objections come from propaganda or lack of faith. Seeing how Muslims treat those who leave or doubt, and the hatred directed at them, has affected me. Of course that is not proof the religion is false, but it has had an impact.
This caused me to lose faith and stop praying. My family knows I do not pray much, but I do when they tell me to, and they still think I am Muslim, just struggling or sinning. I am even unsure if I am still Muslim. I think it might be fear-based: "What if I am wrong and go to hell?" "What if I ruin my life and fracture my family?" It is ingrained in everything I have known, including my culture.
My friends are Muslim as well. I mentioned to my best friend that I was struggling with religion, but I framed it as a struggle with the existence of God, too scared to say it was about Islam itself, and sprinkled in some moral issues like concubinage. She listened and directed me to scholars, but said believing in Allah is just a given for her, not something she has struggled with.
Eventually I told her my concerns were resolved, which was half true. I now fully believe in the existence of a God; the question is which one.
I have been interested in Orthodox Christianity and am starting to read more. It might be too early to say I am fully convinced, as I still have lingering theological issues, mainly with the Trinity. I know that is important, but I spent my whole life hearing how horrible the Trinity is, so bear with me. However, Orthodoxy makes more sense to me than Catholicism or Protestantism.
I cannot really convert because of my situation, and it is causing emotional issues. My internal thoughts and external life are completely different. I have worn hijab since I was eight. I did not necessarily choose it; my parents told me to.
I did not understand it, and I liked looking like my mother and sisters, so I did not fight it. I hate the hijab now and hate being perceived as Muslim. Every aspect makes me worry about what others think. Oddly, I do like dressing modestly, but not to that extent. I am self-conscious even showing my forearms, worried people will view me badly.
This has largely been my relationship with hijab: how others view me. Hijab has also caused more anxiety as hatred toward Islam rises. Being a woman who looks Muslim means we bear the brunt of it. I am scared of being harassed because I wear it when I do not even want to.
I also have to pretend to pray, love Islam, and have others see me as Muslim. I thought about taking off the hijab and "being Muslim" but acting like I struggle with that concept. Unfortunately all the women in my family wear it, and in my culture girls wear it young, so around ninety percent of the girls I know also wear it.
Main points
- Wants to convert to Orthodoxy but entire family and ethnic community are Muslim, with apostasy punishable by death in home country
- Struggles with Trinity after lifelong teaching that it is horrible; finds Orthodoxy more coherent than Catholicism or Protestantism
- Dependent on parents at 18, cannot drive or attend church, has family at university preventing a double life
- Hates wearing hijab since childhood, feels humiliated and anxious, but removing it would cause massive family and community conflict
- Experiencing severe emotional exhaustion, mood swings, cycles of doubt and reconviction, and daydreams of a different life; cannot access therapy