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How to handle unwanted advances from an older parishioner

I'm new to the Orthodox Church, recently baptized and chrismated, and I love my parish. I truly feel at home there. But there's one problem: an older man, probably twenty years older than me, who attends. When I first started coming, I made the mistake of giving him my number because I wanted to get involved and meet people. At the time he was running the classics book club, and I asked him to send me the details.

After the liturgy he waits for me before I go into agape. It's awkward because when I sit at a table with only women, he seeks me out and sits right where I am. I try to be polite, and I don't think he's a bad person, just not picking up on the hints and almost overbearing. I've excused myself multiple times. He texts me asking to go to lunch under the pretense of helping me in my faith.

I've declined politely, told him I'm seeing someone, and said I want to take my faith questions and concerns to my priest or my sponsor.

He keeps texting and tells me the priest is very busy. This is the same man who approaches me every time I receive communion because he only saw my baptism and not my chrismation, even though they were part of the same ceremony.

I don't want to be rude, but I don't know what else to say to make him get the point. I also don't want to cause any trouble. I guess the next step would be to tell my priest, but again, I don't want to be seen as a troublemaker. I've even started changing where I stand during the liturgy so he can't see me. Do I just block him and then run away when I see him? I'm trying to be an adult, but the old me wants to tell him to back off in not-so-nice words.

Main points

  • Older parishioner waits after liturgy and follows the author to women's tables
  • He texts invitations to lunch framed as spiritual guidance despite polite refusals
  • He questions the author at every communion because he missed the chrismation
  • Author has changed liturgy position to avoid him and fears being labeled a troublemaker
  • Asks whether blocking and avoiding him is the only remaining option
25 opinions in the discussion 16 participants, 12 replies to each other The opinion with the most support Talk to the priest's wife (matushka, presvytera, etc...). She and the Yiayias/Babushkas/etc. will get him set straight. Read the discussion
35 comments at the source Original on Reddit

Discussion · 25

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  • opinion#842

    Talk to the priest's wife (matushka, presvytera, etc...). She and the Yiayias/Babushkas/etc. will get him set straight.

    • opinion#855

      Okay this one made me laugh because it is true. I have no doubt the Yiayias would set him straight. I was just hoping to handle it more low key.

      • opinion#860

        That's about as low key as it gets if you haven't managed to get the hint across on your own. Even just saying "X seems really nice, but how pushy he gets makes me very uncomfortable" is usually enough for someone to straighten him out. You don't have to say anything dramatic, just that the situation makes you uncomfortable and you don't know what else to do.

  • opinion#843

    ~~"Tell my priest again," what happened when you told him the first time?~~ Whatever is going on here, I don't like that this gentleman is telling you, "Father is very busy." Parishioners shouldn't be steering other parishioners *away* from the priest. Nor is it his business to question you about receiving communion - on that I think you should be very direct. "I was baptized and chrismated. Fr. So-and-So was, of course, there. And he is the one communing me. If you have further questions, take them to him." A layperson questioning someone about their reception of the Eucharist is, in my opinion, about the height of rudeness. I'd be direct about that; tell the priest; and your godparents. I really don't think you're being a troublemaker - you've changed where you stand to avoid the interactions; you're excusing yourself from conversation. At this point, this guy is the one causing a problem, and someone needs to address it with him. EDIT: reading comprehension :) see thread below.

    • opinion#856

      I haven't spoken to Fr. about it yet, sorry it must have been how I wrote it. Thank you, I was a little taken aback when he first questioned me and I think I will use your exact wording if it is brought up again. Sometimes I have to "rehearse" things I want to say in order to stick up for myself.

      • opinion#861

        \>sorry it must have been how I wrote it. No, no! now I grok your original meaning. And this is good, I was worried this behavior was continuing after you'd already approached your priest. I think you've tried to handle this on your own very tactfully and it's time to involve the priest - especially since this person is kind of trying to steer you away from him and really injecting himself into your spiritual life. This is a big "no thank you," and even if intended in a friendly way... I would say is not friendly behavior. I'm much the same about rehearsing things - - and if someone questioned *me* after receiving the Eucharist I'd equally be caught flat-footed, in part because it's just not appropriate. I'm very big on roles and boundaries. Whatever the intent, I think this guy has just overstepped both and hopefully will respond well to appropriate correction about that.

        • opinion#864

          I'm with you with this gentleman trying to insert himself between OP and the priest causing some warning bells for me. I'm from Appalachia so I'm a bit more blunt and "it's none of your business, why is it any of your concern? I can check with father's schedule just fine on my own, thank you very much" is in more of my register, perhaps there's a kinder way of saying that, but I've also learned with some people, it doesn't matter how kindly you say "Please stop doing that, that's making me uncomfortable," your no is the real offense to them. In which case, you owe them no kindness if you don't wish to show it, don't go all ugly, but don't make it comfortable for him to still be pushing boundaries like this either. This is one of those "if someone sins against you, rebuke them, if they don't change, gather two or three people to rebuke them again" situations, and OP needs to involve the priest and perhaps his wife and the older women of the parish to have them approach him to back off and let her grow in her own faith and stop getting in between her and God and the priest. It's her church, too, and if he's making her feel so uncomfortable as to make her change where she's standing in liturgy, he's the one being very rude by not hearing her no. The Theotokos's fiat was so holy because it was freely given. To have a free yes, the no must first be respected. If it isn't, then not…

          • opinion#866

            \>It's her church, too, and if he's making her feel so uncomfortable as to make her change where she's standing in liturgy, he's the one being very rude by not hearing her no. 100%. If you could send me some of that Appalachian directness in a bottle, that would probably greatly help me in my day-to-day!

        • opinion#865

          Stranger in a Strange land indeed :}....in this age of the synth Grok I had to let you grok that I too grok.

    • opinion#857

      no she said "but again" as in reiterating a previous point. she has not told her priest

  • opinion#844

    You'll want to ask your priest to have a word with him. Speaking as a priest, this isn't an interruption to me; I'd appreciate being made aware that this man needs to be reminded of his and others' boundaries. (And you probably won't be the first to have this issue with him.)

  • opinion#845

    Him telling you that the priest is very busy reminds me of telling someone "don't tell your parents" when something is odd. I am not a big fan of asking the priest's wife; just because her husband is the priest doesn't mean that her job is to handle uncomfortable discussions; it puts her in a very awkward position and it can get people in the parish to put her under a bigger microscope than she and her family already are under. My cousin's wife really resented it when people did that and she finally learned to respond with "I'll tell my husband to take care of it" Have you ever come out and directly told this man, "look I am getting vibes that you are attracted to me, but I don't have those same feelings for you." If that doesn't work, do you know one of these women you are sitting with well enough to ask her to take him aside and say "look, she just isn't interested"? If not, then ask the priest if you can talk to him and tell he what is going on. Let him deal with it.

    • opinion#858

      Good idea. I'd gladly do this to support a younger female parishioner because I spent too many years being afraid to simply tell men to leave me alone.

      • opinion#862

        When I was just out of college, I was living about 100 miles from where I grew up and we had cousins in this town and church. I was getting hit on by Greek college students making the rounds that were looking for a ~~green card~~ wife and I wasn't interested in them. And I had the added issue that some of the older women were trying to fix them up. I was fortunate that my great aunt was there and had my back; First time I ever heard a woman tell a guy "No means OXI!" :) But the priests of the time were pretty understanding and if you told them, they would chase them off. So I do understand

  • opinion#846

    Please ask your priest for advice. He cannot help solve a problem if he does not know there is a problem. YOU are NOT a trouble-maker for pointing out trouble. This man needs someone in authority to tell him to back off, and let others in the community know so they can help you. Tell your table of ladies that you would like their help.

  • opinion#847

    another idea. You mentioned you're dating someone. Could the guy you're seeing come to church with you just once, or show up at some event, or even meet you at coffee hour, so that Mr Doesn'tGetIt can see you're with him? Maybe even introduce the two of them while you're holding hands?

    • opinion#859

      I've actually already introduced them and told him straight up that this is the man I'm with and we've been together 3 years. But the more I read everyone's replies, the more I see that I should go to the priest. You're right, it does have that "don't tell your parents" vibe to it.

      • opinion#863

        I think he's the type who has to be told straight out, hints are just never going to land with him.

  • opinion#848

    Be direct (speaking as a woman who's bad at this myself). The older I get, the easier being direct gets and it honestly improves things. Getting clergy involved is fine too, but just tell him, even over text, that you don't want one on one contact with him, and shut that door.

  • opinion#849

    Since hints aren't working, I think you have to come out and say something like, "I've told you I'm seeing someone and I'm not interested in hanging out or texting, but it feels like you're still being kind of pushy. I wish you well and hope we can be civil at the parish, but I need you to back off. Thanks."

  • opinion#850

    From what you describe he's way out of bounds. I'd look him straight in the eye and say: please stop coming up to me. I'm not interested in you. I've already made it clear I have a boyfriend.

  • opinion#851

    Years ago, when both my sons were altar servers, there was an older server who was just socially off in a way I can't quite put into words. Off like when the bishop visited and gestured for everyone to sit, he was the only one who stayed standing, because as a fresh convert he apparently knew better than the bishop! At one point after a service he cornered me and insisted I come talk to him in the priest's office about my two sons serving. I told him that wasn't my area, but he just pushed harder. Forget arranging some separate meeting with the priest. I just stuck my head out the office door, called over to my priest, and said, "Hey Father, this guy insists on talking about my boys, but that's your department." Then I walked off and let Father deal with it right there. No meeting between me and the priest needed. I took the problem straight to the person who could fix it, and he never bothered me again.

  • opinion#852

    So he's probably awkward, and at his age, still single, whether he'd be a good or bad partner, he's got some shyness and awkwardness that in your situation should absolutely be a red flag, not that you're interested anyway. You owe no man phone calls or texts. There's no sin in blocking a number. And since he hasn't come out and made his intentions clear, and you haven't flat out told him "look, I don't see you as anything more than a friend, and honestly at this point even that's gotten weird," I'd say tell your priest, but don't expect him to go shut the guy down, just make him aware of the situation, no need to be accusatory about it, and I'd probably block the number. It's a crush or limerence, unless you've somehow totally misread things and he really is just trying to help. But I'd guess your read on it is right. It's not about deciding if he's a good guy or a bad guy. But if this is about affection, he needs to aim it somewhere else instead of wasting his time, and yours, chasing someone with no chance. At the same time, sure, there's real value in a dating couple both being Christians and building each other up. But there's this other practical issue, which is that men and women generally shouldn't be doing their growth and Bible study one on one, especially outside an actual relationship. Those setups tend to produce feelings on at least one side. And outside of an…

  • opinion#853

    You don't have to be rude, you can just be cold. Don't smile when you talk to him, look annoyed, and let him feel that he's getting on your nerves without saying it outright. There are a million ways to do that. Maybe he doesn't even realize he's bothering you.

  • opinion#854

    * Block his number, or next time he texts, reply with "Hey, nothing personal, but I can't keep texting with you, it was nice meeting you, please don't contact me" and then block him. (That way you've also got a written record of asking him to stop). * Maybe let the usher or security person at your parish know. Just something like "this guy keeps grilling me about communion and hanging around waiting for me after the service, could you keep an eye on him and maybe tell him to knock it off?" That's what comes to mind. You can tell the priest, but I'd only bother if the guy is genuinely being a creep. If it's just some older man who likes chatting with you and you're not into it, there are simpler ways to handle it. In the end, do whatever you're comfortable with. A big question for me is whether this guy is married? Honestly, I think your boyfriend should be handling this. If I had a girlfriend dealing with this, I'd text the guy myself or show up at church and pull him aside. Obviously your bf can't go in angry. He has to stay calm and controlled the whole time.