Father Moses
YouTube
When Your Spouse Won't Come to Church: A Priest's Counsel on Winning, Not Arguing
14:28
What the video says
A priest addresses the common question of what to do when one spouse wants to become Orthodox but the other is hesitant. He emphasizes that marriage must be won together, not through contention, and that faith, patience, and attraction through personal transformation are key. He then gives gender-specific advice: wives should offer respect and information to their husbands, while husbands should show love, affection, and spiritual leadership, letting their changed lives draw their wives to the faith.
Key moments
- The big picture: read the Orthodox marriage ceremony; both spouses must 'win together' since in marriage if one wins, the other loses.
- A wife who complained about her husband was asked where her respect, honor, and love were—becoming a better wife should draw him in rather than create contention.
- You must have faith that God will see you through the process, even if it takes years, without demanding your own will or pressuring your spouse.
- Conversion must be an attraction: spouses are won over by seeing genuine positive transformation in each other, not by arguments.
- For wives: respect and honor your husband, per St. Paul—this is her martyrdom in marriage, and it applies regardless of whether he seems worthy.
- Wives should also give their husbands information, since men tend to be logical and analytical; some decide quickly, others slowly and steadily.
- For husbands: love—speak kindly and gently, cherish your wife, listen daily, connect emotionally, and show her your affection is directed only at her.
- Orthodoxy gives men tangible structure (prayers, fasting, services) to become the spiritual head of the family; don't argue anyone into the faith—work on yourself, as St. Silouan said, 'You can change the whole world by changing yourself.'
A priest addresses one of the most common and painful situations in parish life: one spouse is drawn to Orthodoxy while the other stays home. His central claim is that marriage is a shared venture—drawing on the Orthodox marriage service, he notes that spouses must 'win together,' because in marriage if one wins, the other loses.
Pressuring, nagging, or contending with a spouse over church attendance is therefore self-defeating. Instead, he calls for patience, faith, and attraction: the unbelieving or hesitant spouse is to be won over by witnessing genuine, positive transformation in the other, not by argument. He then offers gender-specific counsel.
Wives are urged to give their husbands respect and honor, following St. Paul, even when the husband seems unworthy—this, he says, is a wife's martyrdom within marriage. Wives should also provide information, since men tend to be logical and analytical; some will decide quickly, others slowly. Husbands, in turn, are told to love: speak kindly and gently, cherish their wives, listen daily, connect emotionally, and make clear their affection belongs to her alone.
Orthodoxy, he adds, offers men tangible structure—prayer, fasting, services—through which they can grow into genuine spiritual headship of the family. The discussion closes with St. Silouan's maxim: change yourself, and you can change the world. The post also promotes a paid community offering courses on marriage, dating, and fitness, and links the text of the Orthodox Service of Crowning.
Main points
- Spouses must 'win together': contention over church attendance defeats the purpose; conversion happens by attraction, not argument.
- Wives: offer respect and honor per St. Paul, even if the husband seems unworthy; also give information, since men respond to logic.
- Husbands: love gently, listen daily, show affection, and use Orthodoxy's structure to become the family's spiritual head.
- Have faith that God will work over years, without demanding your own will or pressuring your spouse.
- Work on yourself first—St. Silouan: 'You can change the whole world by changing yourself.'